Twilight Saga, comin' at'cha

I loathe Harry Potter.

*pauses for disbelieving gasps of shock, and insults*

I do not adore Twilight.

*refuses to pause for slight confusion*

Have I read Harry Potter? I started, then I put the first book down, and I never picked it up again. Have I seen any of the films? Yes, the first one twice (fell asleep both times) and the third one (bored stiff the entire time. Literally). I will read the books one day, eventually. I may end up becoming a fan, but that's doubtful, seeing as I've lost 4 birthdays (including my 16th) to J.K Bloody Rowling and her bum-chum Mr. Lightening Bolt.

Have I read Twilight? Yes, and I will read the others. But it'll take a while, as I find her writing style slow, laboured, and suffering from a general lack of knowledge as to how people live their lives, along with an unimaginative vocabulary. Also, I strongly advise her to go away and write some Mills & Boon, because, when Edward and Bella are actually in the relationship she spent so long setting up, her writing style becomes energised, and flows. When she goes back to plot, it all falls flat again (I will forever give her credit for seemingly realising this when it came to writing the fight scene at the end of Twilight and therefore having the only witness loosing conciousness and remembering hardly anything about it).

Have I seen the films? Yes, I saw Twilight four times in the cinema (four separate sets of people have attempted to convert me to sparkly vampires, so I felt I owed it to them -that, and I've converted two of them to the Wonderful World of The Late, Great Gene Roddenberry). I've also just come back from seeing New Moon for the second time (I giggled the entire time, save for the occasion where I actually felt sorry for Jacob).

My team is Team Film!Charlie, or, if sticking with the book-verse, Team Hale. Jasper and Alice are wonderful. I like the characters, the actor and actress, and the back story for Alice (from the first book). From what I've heard of the back story for Jasper (I've yet to read Eclipse) I like it. I'm critical of Bella and Edward. Bella needs a bit more personality, to take her out of the 'automaton' category and into the world of humans. Edward needs to take a long hard look at the object of desire and realise that the only thing behind the pretty face is a needy lonely child. I'm trying not to be critical of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, but they're making it So. Damn. Hard not to. Neither seem aware that facial expressions are needed for emotions other than 'sad' and 'shocking despair'. Taylor Lautner has my respect. I actually felt sorry for Jacob at the end of the film, when Bella told him not to make her choose (his face imploded in response to his soul crushing). Also -the abs, the tree climbing, and the really cool CGI he got to work with didn't harm my impression of him in anyway.

(No matter how logical my arguments, how thoughtful my wordings, I will always be a living non-asexual girl).

Will I buy the DVD to this one as well? Yes. When it's very cheap, because I bought the Twilight DVD cheap too, so now I have to have the set.

Also, did I mention the wolf CGI?? The wolf CGI is win.

So long, and thanks for all the essays

That's it. I've just thrown away my university life, all the plans I've ever made for my life, and my decade-long dream of doing something with my life.

But worst of all, I've disappointed Dad.

In reality, I've probably done none of those things.

One late essay will not cause uni to kick me out, especially as I have.... 40 minutes until the deadline. But as I've not read all the sources I've gathered, and am only about 100 words into this 3,000 word essay, I can't see it being handed in on time.

The above fact means that I am still on track to becoming an Egyptologist, and seeing as my dream is to be an Egyptologist, that one seems like it's still all tickety-boo.

As for disappointing Dad, well.... dead men tell no tales, after all, and are fairly useless at sharing opinions. Especially ones that have been gone for over a year. Not that he was ever any good at voicing his thoughts when he was alive, but as they say actions speak louder than words -and it's very difficult to do any actions when you're a pile of ash.

But I KNOW I've disappointed him. I can FEEL it. I've given up. Decided 'to hell with it all' and stopped.

I have disappointed the man who looked at me and could see no wrong. Who was proud that I breathed. Who was proud that I spoke, that I was polite, that I seemingly didn't inherit his dyslexia/inability-to-do-anything-with-words-or-numbers. The man who was proud when I went to school, who told everyone about how smart his daughter was because she was in 6th Form and she was going to university.

His face when school told me to apply to Cambridge. His face when we went for the residential weekend.

I remember that... but I don't remember his reaction when I turned them down, and said I'd rather go to Swansea... I wonder what would've happened had I actually gone to Cambridge...

But there's not point even considering that. The past is the past, and it's shaped who I am.

Goddamnit! I am a fighter. I'm a stubborn little bitch who is so bloody determined to do what she wants that she does. Eventually. I am, after all, not without manners, and I won't just barge my way past people. I'm not some kind of business person, or politician.

But where have I gone? I'm not that person right now.

Right now I couldn't care less about my DEGREE. My degree is my life. It's all I want to do. Well, it's all I wanted to do. Now I don't know. I don't know anything about me any more.

All I seem to want to do right now is sit in my room, or sleep. I don't like silence anymore. I'm constantly listening to music in the background, without taking in any of the sound. I haven't turned my T.V. on in weeks. I'm surrounded by things that I like, that are me; stuffed toys and academic books, scenic picture prints next to Star Trek posters, pens, pencils, pastels and two laptops, and yet I want out. I can't focus. I can't find or see where I fit-in in this place.

I'm feeling claustrophobic.

I went to Philosophy today for the first time in a fortnight (in my defence, the lectures two weeks ago were cancelled, so I only missed one week) and I came the closest I've ever come to a panic attack. A panic attack, in a class about Plato's The Republic -what the hell???

I can't muster up any focus on my work. To make matters worse, I don't care about my work. I was sitting here last night, and I didn't give a damn, knowing full well that I had an essay to hand in. That I have two more after this one. One of which is 5,000 words long.

Today, after Philosophy, I finally felt something. I felt absolute horror at what I was doing, or rather, what I wasn't doing. Suddenly I cared that I had failed to do an essay and hand it in. I keep telling myself I'll work on it tonight and hand it in tomorrow -but will I? I can't say. I don't know. I'm all worked up about it now, but quite literally too emotional to sit down and do any work (I started this post at 2:20pm, it's currently 3:45pm). I can't do it now. I also have a lecture to go to in a bit. Will I make it to that? Yes, because my flatmate is also going, and she'll drag me to it if needs be. Will I listen? Hell no. But that's mostly to do with the subject and the lecturer.

Will I have a quasi-panic attack? Possibly, seeing as this is the module that I haven't done the essay for.

Will I sort this out? Yes. Because I have to. Because I can't live my life like this.

First step: Counsellor's appointment -booked for 11am, next Friday. Just over a week until someone who knows a thing or two can sit me down and go "you need to think about....." or "have you considered that this is a reaction to......". Something and someone to pick me up and plonk me down on the path of life and point me in the right direction.